The Realization of Self Love

 Okay so being aware of body intelligence my right hip pain just introduced me to my hips.  Pain can be a gateway. As long as it’s not too painful and not for too long lol.  Being able to stretch my psoas I can feel my glutes shaken so the reason my glutes naturallly don’t sharpen on their own is because my hips are pushed back.  This might be because of anterior tilt.  I feel nauseous in my stomach. Just awful. After doing this strtchZ it’s like I’m remolding my body 

 My body feels so good to move. Bending over and picking up things. I feel so much stronger and I feel more connected to my ab muscles.  Will do lower squats today too. And take photos every 4/5 days

 At first I dreaded the day. My daughter is home and I don’t want any responsibility to lurk over me. I see I am a numbing agent trying to get to my next self numbing session … Some things that are numbing for me is excessive smoking, masturbation, obsessing over celebrities lives. I like to make content and put it out and this too is a numbing agent anything to divert me from my actual present moment, feelings etc. If I took steps away from all my numbing agents who would I be? I would be someone I don’t know. My identity is made up of numbing agents  I was gonna post and I said no. Instead of putting out energy I’m going to be in the receiving end.  I was gonna try to get this day to be over and done with in the most self numbing techniques I can find. But no, instead  I choose for this day to be one that shows me the possibilities. I yearn to live fully in this day and push away the urge to rush this day over until it’s done and tomorrow comes.  Whenever I se...

 Two exercises have got my body in a chokehold.  This little under it exercise I did yesterday. I just did a few moves but as I walk I can feel it today. My underbutt is so weak omggg.  And the Pilates back move I did 2 days ago I still feel the effects of that.  I am going to be adding king of squats to my clean routines and as extra work.  My body is like a glob of clay that I get to mold. 

  The process of losing weight is such a spiritual experience. This work out has humbled me. But it has also changed the game. I feel more capable of holding in my gut after doing this in one session. Scared to be skinny. Why am I so scared?  Do I look at the world through a scornful eye? Am I being truth?  This is me this is my fault. But what did I do?  I’m filled with blame and guilt. I want life to be fun. But what is fun ? If it’s watching every thing be done?  I am afraid of that world. The world with the new me.  I must be comfortable here being a piece of shit

 This is day one of my revenge body diary. This is a safe space for me to let out all my feelings, and experiences while on this journey.  Today, I took a good look at myself. And I have come a long way whether it looks like it or not. My truth is, as many beautiful, plus size women, as there are in this world, who take care of themselves, hair, skin, and nails. They wear nice clothes, and even look good in them, I am not one of those girls. The way my body puts on weight, I don’t look good at all. And this is my truth.  Today I took pictures, because I’m ready to be real with myself. I love myself so much, that in order to truly love myself, I have to be real with myself.  These pictures, I see a woman who is looking for love, without truly giving that love to herself.  She wants everyone to see Her, and understand her, but things have gotten so much out of control, that no one truly sees her; not even she sees her true self.  The truth is, she’s come alon...